Tiana Warner

She paced around the darkened room,
Her lovely face drained white.
Her thoughts obsessed with what did loom,
That cold and daunting night.

The candles danced and flickered low,
The dinner plates were set.
Her golden hair donned with a bow,
The stew not ready yet.

She painted pink her cheeks with blush,
She brushed blue ’round her eyes.
Pulled on her skirt without a rush,
Then heard the doorbell’s cries.

Her nerves were gone, replaced with joy,
She trotted to the door.
“Hello, good sir!” she told the boy,
And smiled at him once more.

The fellow said, “How glad I am,
You’re giving me this chance!
You having me for dinner, ma’am,
Is true first-date romance.”

“I thought so too,” she smiled and said,
Hanging up his coat.
He kissed her cheek and she blushed red
And told him not to dote.

He sat down in the dining room,
While she went to the pot.
She stirred the stew and pretty soon,
It boiled nice and hot.

“You’re quite the chef,” he said and smelled.
She turned to look at he.
And then with shock, he saw she held
A knife as large as three.

“What’s that for?” he asked with fear,
Her eyes a twinkling red.
“I’m having you for dinner, dear.
Is that not what I said?”

“I’ve had before a rabbit soup.”
She clenched, unclenched her hand.
“As well as one of duck and goose,
But never one of man.”

He shouted out and stood up quick,
To stop her in her path.
But late he was, and with a flick,
She made a hot blood bath.

The crimson ran onto her dress,
And sullied up the floor.
She giggled down at all the mess
She must, for now, ignore.

“This boyfriend soup will not be bland,
Once I mince this meat.”
She licked her lips and wiped her hands,
And made her tasty treat.

Consult your physician
As seen on TV
Enlarged to show texture
It’s not you it’s me

Legal separation
Please hold your applause
Studies have shown
I’m calling because

National bestseller
Attempted suicide
Antioxidant-rich
Look on the bright side

Scientific method
Ladies first
Performance review
For better or worse

We’re gonna need backup
Results may vary
Let’s get wasted
Eat drink and be merry

Regulate your cycle
Read package directions
Nonsurgical face-lift
We’ve got a situation

Pro-life pro-choice
Procrastination
Pro-active pro-rated
Professional opinion

One-millionth visitor
Come claim your prize
I want my lawyer
Actual size

Guard dog on duty
Recommended dosage
Side-effects include
Take out a second mortgage

Remember to log out
Remember to vote
Remember to smile
That’s a misquote

War on terror
Jesus loves you
God hates gays
Have you heard the good news?

Capital punishment
Christmas in July
It’s only a theory
The cake is a lie

Mad cow salmonella
Bird flu swine flu
Nervous breakdown
Your books are overdue

Trespassers prosecuted
She’s a train wreck
Physical examination
Practice makes perfect

Go for coffee
Enter to win
Plagiarism
Intervention

school shooting
zero trans fat
probation
instant chat

tax-free
GST
audit me
HST

own
lease
war
peace

truth
lies
laugh
cry

sex
death

lust
greed
wrath
envy
pride

This is a deleted scene from The Infinite Knowledge of J. T. Badgley. I removed it because it’s a thought tangent that does absolutely nothing to advance the plot—but I’m still fond of it, so here it is. It happens on page 141, when Jake is trying to sneak back into the Kremlin.

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I have to share this. It’s one of the first poems I ever wrote. The positive reaction from the class and teacher was a huge factor in inspiring me to keep writing. Moral of the story: praise a kid’s work, because that encouragement makes a big impact!

When I make my snowman
With a carrot for his nose
Along comes my pony
Munch munch! Off she goes!

When I make my snowman
With peanuts for his toes
Along comes a squirrel
Munch munch! Off he goes!

When I make my snowman
With no nose or toes
Along comes my puppy
Now he has yellow clothes.